Log in

No account? Create an account
(no subject)  
03:06am 24/08/2010
This is my not so secret identity. Bitches.
    Post - - Link
teahouse fox i n e s s  
06:37pm 10/07/2009
've developed a bit of an unnatural affection for my iGoogle Teahouse Fox. It's a bit unhealthy, really, but it really is quite soothing to plug away through a paper at all hours of the day, and click over to Teahouse Fox to zone out while he does his laundry or has a sushi picnic. Don't judge me for living vicariously through a small zen mammal.

You torture me, teahouse fox. I sit at this desk, nine-to-five, five days a week (if I’m lucky: sometimes much longer), thinking, worrying, slaving and perspiring, and all in pursuit of what? Money? Success? Respect? The ever-elusive American dream?Maybe you’ve got the right idea, teahouse fox. Living your pastoral existence. Picking oranges, doing laundry, having tea on the dock in the evenings. That’s life, right there. You don’t care about money. You don’t care about fame. You don’t even seem to need the companionship of other foxes: fireflies, geese and caterpillars seem to give you all the company you need. You taunt me with your contentment. As I am madly reviewing accounts and formatting spreadsheets, you are rowing your boat around the pond. How Thoreau-ish of you.

I’ve just returned from a horrid afternoon meeting, in which my boss demanded the impossible, ranted incoherently, and dripped sweat onto the Powerpoint slides. You meanwhile, are playing some sort of stringed instrument as you sit on the end of your dock. Some childhood memory stirs in me: my feet swinging through the cool breeze, a glass of lemonade clutched in my little hand, the first evening stars glowing in a purple sky. But most likely, I am merely remembering some Country Time ad: my childhood was spent in front of the television in the den of a suburban McMansion.

Hungover and late today. Boss read me the riot act. Teahouse fox, how do you manage it? Near as I can tell, you do not light your incense and tuck into your sleeping bag until at least 2:00 a.m., yet you are always fishing at the end of your dock long before I am awake. I suppose leading a life of simple pleasures does not necessitate much rest.

I’ve just been to lunch with Sheila from marketing. I’d always been intimidated by her attractiveness, but it turns out, she’s totally down-to-earth, and she seems kind of lonely. She had salmon, and I had a bacon cheeseburger. You’ve probably never had one of those, teahouse fox, and let me tell you, you are missing out. I see you’re doing your laundry again. What are those white things, and how do you get them so filthy that you need to wash them every afternoon? I never see you dirtying any linens. Perhaps you take in other people’s laundry to pay for the rent on your teahouse. Which you never seem to enter.

Yearly reviews today. Great news, teahouse fox! I’ve been promoted!!! I have a new office, with a window. And I got a raise, too! And best of all, I asked Sheila out to a fancy dinner to celebrate, and she said yes!!!! I see you’re taking your usual row around the lake, accompanied by that baby chick. Have fun with that.

You might be interested in this, teahouse fox: I’ve been looking at lakefront properties, just like yours! Except not like yours at all, because these are huge and comfortable, and I would never have to sleep outside the door.

Listen, teahouse fox. We need to talk. Your theme isn’t doing it for me anymore: the never-ending cycle of your simple, daily chores has begun to depress me. I’ve been waiting for you to feel some ambition, get motivated, make something new happen in your life, but frankly, I don’t think you’ve got the drive. We’re just not in the same place anymore, teahouse fox, so I’m going to go with a new theme.

In case you’re wondering, I’m going with Seasonal Scape. The frog and the ladybug chug caffeine and play at least three sports every day. Now, that’s what I call energy!
    Post - - Link
(no subject)  
03:52pm 19/04/2009

In honor of “The Office“, here are some fun office tricks that may earn you some points! Office humor


  • Run one lap around the office at top speed.
  • Ignore the first five people who say ‘good morning’ to you.
  • Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, “Just called to say I can’t talk right now. Bye.”
  • To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
  • Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, “Sorry, I really prefer it this way.”

Walk sideways to the photocopier.

  • While riding in an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.




  • Say to your boss, “I like your style” and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.
  • Babble incoherently at a fellow employee, and then ask, “Did you get all that, I don’t want to have to repeat it.”
  • Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
  • Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a ‘non-player’ within sight).
  • Shout random numbers while someone is counting.


  • At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (5 extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
  • Walk into a very busy person’s office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
  • For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as “Bob.”
  • Announce to everyone in a meeting that you “really have to go do a number two.”
  • After every sentence, say ‘Mon’ in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, “The report’s on your desk, Mon.” Keep this up for 1 hour.
  • While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
  • In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, “Shut up, all of you just shut up!”
  • At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, “As God as my witness, I�ll never go hungry again.”
  • In a colleague’s DAY PLANNER, write in the 10am slot: “See how I look in tights.” (5 extra points if it is a male, 5 more if he is your boss)
  • Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, “You wanna trade?”
  • Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: “Do you hear that?”, “What?”, “Never mind, it’s gone now.”
  • Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, “I can’t talk about it.”
  • Posing as a maitre d’, call a colleague and tell him he’s won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
  • Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
  • Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
  • Hang a 2′ long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
  • Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuits, smashing each biscuit with your fist.
  • During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
  • Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.

And if that wasn’t enough for you… How to keep a healthy level of insanity

  • At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
  • Tell your children over dinner. “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”
  • Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
  • Put your wastebasket on your desk and label it “IN”.
  • Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
  • Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the prophecy.”
  • Dont use any punctuation
  • Use, too…much; punctuation!
  • As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
  • Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
  • Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
  • Sing along at the opera.
  • Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.
  • Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
  • Five days in advance tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood.
  • Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, “Rock Hard.”
  • When the money comes out of the ATM, scream “I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!!!”
  • When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, “Run for your lives, they’re loose!”
    Post - - Link
(no subject)  
09:07pm 26/03/2009
    Post - - Link
1=2 we hope you choke.  
11:01pm 24/03/2009
My love has gone.......

His boots no longer at my door.....

He left at dawn....
mood: curiouscurious
    Post - - Link
Dreams for sale...and faerie tales.....  
10:49pm 24/03/2009

Love is meant for children and the weak minded.
He doesnt love you, he never will.
Do not trust anyone.
It really is you against the world.
mood: crushedcrushed
music: Just..fuck you....
    Post - - Link
(no subject)  
07:54am 22/03/2009
While her mates all stay out late,
Popping pills and havin fun,
She stays home and showers,
And gets a good eight hours,
She gets her thrills from her morning run,
While her mates all go on dates,
Taking speed and drinking cans of Beam,
She stays home and cooks,
And curls up with a book,
And the boy she's had since she was seventeen
mood: gigglygiggly
    Post - - Link
Ill have what he's having....  
07:27am 21/03/2009
mood: curiouscurious
    Post - - Link

August 2010  

  Powered by